Ashlyn, I really love this idea for a Storybook! I'll pass along two suggestions I was given on my own Storybook that were really helpful for me. First, a link directly in your storybook to this Comment Wall page is a lot of help in getting more comments. It's super easy to do in another text box. Second, your introduction is really great, but it would be even better if you broke it down into smaller paragraphs. It would be much easier to read that way. I know at first, I did mine exactly the same, thinking of the introduction paragraph to a story, but after getting suggestions & breaking it up, it really does help. I love that you're going to cover the darker side of mermaids. I love Disney's "The Little Mermaid" and that is what I'll always think of when I think of mermaids, but you see the darker side of them in one of the last "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies. It plays out just exactly like the darker scene you set up. It might also be helpful if you give us an idea of exactly which mermaid stories we are going to be reading about. I truly love your project idea & can't wait to read how it plays out! Great job!!
Hi Ashlyn. It is such a wonderful life being around those folktales, specially a mermaid-tale. The idea to expose both sides of the mermaid: the angel and the evil is great. However, there are some suggestion as i read through your project. First, the comment wall that link directly to your blog is not worked for me. It said that i don't have access to view the page. So i have to go directly to your blog to leave this comment. It is great if you emphasises or at least makes the font size bigger so the Comment Wall Link can easy be seen. Second, although you introduction is great showing your idea of the whole project, it looks like an essay introducing a mermaid rather than the introduction of a story. You can just introduce a mermaid as your character of the story. Anyway, i am looking forward to see the development of your story.
Hi Ashlyn! I have heard of mermaids being more evil and deceiving in older tales! I am excited to read your stories because I have never looked into the details of why the versions of modern mermaids are almost opposite how mermaids were portrayed earlier on. When I think of the intermediate between these two characters, I imagine the mermaids from Peter Pan! They were beautiful, but they were also really mean to some of the people in the story. Do you think some of your mermaid tales with have a scary aura? Do you think you will mix some of the more familiar ideas of mermaids with the unfamiliar ones? Will the characters be the same throughout your project, or will each story include new characters? I think you could strengthen your introduction by adding specific stories that include the types of mermaids you are referring to, like the sirens! I cannot wait to see where you go with your project!
Hi Ashlyn, I really like that you are doing a bunch of research about mermaids - I know pretty little except for what Ive seen on tv. I did read about the real story behind Ariel - a much more tragic and IMO more interesting story. You mention the show H2O and I wonder if you have seen the show Siren that recently aired its first season. There is some pretty interesting articles out there about what mermaids would look like in real life - most of them say they wouldn't have hair and would be pretty terrifying! Especially as you pointed out, if they existed it would have to be in parts of the ocean not explored - which, the deepest parts we have explored have some pretty funky looking creatures. I know you are going to tell stories about mermaids, but is there a specific theme you will be using? Or are you going to explore maybe three or four key myths/stereotypes like nice vs evil vs something you created? I am excited to see how your project turns out!
You're introduction got me very intrigued! I've already read some of the older stories about darker mermaids but I'm excited to go more in-depth! I wasn't sure if you were planning on making this more of a documentary-style storybook. That's what your introduction made it seem like. If not, I would suggest giving your introduction either from the perspective of a character or revolving the details of it around one. If you were shooting for the documentary-style, then I think your introduction is perfect. Good luck with the rest of your project!
Hi Ashlyn, I just want to start off by saying that I’m so excited to read your storybook throughout the semester. I am also very intrigued by mermaids and the stories that surround them. I liked that you addressed the fact that most mermaid stories are a lot nicer today than they were back in the past. However, I was left wondering if your stories are going to focus more on the nice stories or the darker mythology of mermaids? Maybe you could introduce the mythology and stories that you will be covering in this storybook? It is so true that children have dreams about being a mermaid! I remember my friends and I having competitions to see who could swim the farthest as a mermaid. Are some of the stories you will be exploring about this? I can’t wait to read your first story and learn more about the first mythical creature that interested me!
I love that you are doing your storybook on mermaids. It is a very interesting topic, and I agree with you that mermaids are misrepresented. "The Little Mermaid" was one of my favorite movies as a kid, but I am generally fascinated with the sea and all of the creatures.
Something that I felt confused about was what kind of story you will be telling. Will it be one main character that we follow throughout multiple stories? One suggestion that you could do is to introduce your characters and the plot line a little.
However, I think you did a fantastic job with pulling me into your story. It is straight to the point. I also like how you have structured your paragraphs. This is very helpful for me because I tend to get lost in paragraphs, but your page is easy on the eyes. Finally, I would like to point out that your ending to your introduction compels me to read the next story. It is kind of like watching a T.V. series and anxiously waiting for the next week so you can watch the new episode!
Hi Ashlyn! First i want to say that the pictures you used on your site are perfect for your stories and theme you are going to talk about! I like how you begin by discussing how mermaids are often misrepresented and you refer to old ideas about them. Mermaids in old mythology are much different than what people think. I was slightly confused on what exactly youre going to be talking about. Stories about different mermaids, or is there a specific character? Either way your introduction looks great and was well written and very informative. You do a great job of giving background information and keeping me intrigued all at the same time! Good luck with the rest of your story!
Ashlyn, I just read Hidden Treasure and that was an amazing take on the original story! I feel like there was nothing that you story was missing that would take away from the development of the story, but if you wanted to add anything, I think it would be interesting to see why Onix decided to leave the ocean with Aaron. Giving a backstory which could maybe include the fact that she wanted to see the world outside the ocean or that there was something about Aaron that was worth living in his bathtub for could help the audience see why she left the ocean and then we could also see why she was disappointed that she even left the life that she has always lived. Another idea I have for a slightly altered ending would be that Aaron visited her again at the same place that they met at another time later!
Hey Ashlyn! I was immediately drawn to your story because I love the idea of mermaids. I almost wrote about them for my storybook, but I’m glad you chose them because I really want to learn more about the history and origin stories. Your introduction is a lot of general information about mermaids that sort of encompasses all the different perceptions of mermaids. I wish you would dive into about what your specific stories will be about so I know which direction you are going in. I like how you took a pretty well known trope about a mermaid in a bathtub, and made it slightly more modern. Social media completely changes stories about mythological creatures because they can be discovered so easily and I’m glad you showed that. I feel like the end escalates pretty quickly and you could really draw out that final moment where they say goodbye.
I really thought the idea of mermaids was fun! I almost did this myself. I love how your website looks and the colors you are using. I think it is fitting and very pretty. I read your story and I really liked it. Have you thought about putting more description about the mermaid and the surrounding island? It sounds beautiful and I would like to visualize more as I do read. Maybe a back story on the mermaid too - I want to know how she got stuck. Was her family missing her? I think there is so much to add to an already great story!
I hope to read more from you - I get to live through your stories since I didn't get to write about mermaids on my own.
Hey Ashlyn. I just read your story about the mermaid and loved how you had made the story set in modern time. It started off very small when Aaron turned off his phone to connect with himself and forget about his life for a little bit. Whenever I think of mermaid's I always think of A Little Mermaid and to hear a different story about another mermaid was very refreshing. It's nice how the two of them fell in love basically in a span of a couple hours because it showed how much they connected. The mermaid was a little bit worried because she didn't want to stay in the bathtub all her life so Aaron's friends finding her might not have been such a bad thing. I like the way you used visualization in the beginning to show us how amazing the place was where Aaron was relaxing at. It felt like I was there with him.
Hi Ashlyn, I enjoyed reading your story! I think you did a great job of incorporating a modern aspect into this story. I think your story is well written and easy to follow. It also keeps your attention because you want to know what is going to happen next. I like how you included a third person narrator but you also quoted the characters. This creates a cool, whole-picture dynamic. I wonder if providing more detail of their time together at Aaron’s house would be helpful? This could potentially provide an opportunity to add more details and depth to your story. I did find one spelling error. In the following sentence, you forgot to include a space between “no” and “one”. Here is the sentence: Did a dolphin just wash up on the shore?" he asked to noone. Overall, I think you did a great job! The picture you chose for this story is spot on.
Hi Ashlyn, I love how your introduction invites many different tales about mermaids. I definitely feel like there is often more stories about nice mermaids than evil ones. Your story is very interesting also. I like how the mermaid has a little bit of sass. Will your next story be a continuation of this one or will it be a different story about mermaids? I would like to know if Aaron every saw her again or not. I also like how you incorporated social media into your story, it made it seem very moderate and accurate to what would actually happen in a real life situation. I would have liked to have seen more dialogue between the friends to see how the agreement actually came about. Other than that I think you did a great job on this story. Keep it up!
Hey there Ashlyn! I am in Prof. Gibb's Indian Epics class, but this week we were allowed to look at your Myth and Folklore class projects to comment on. I chose yours because I loves the title of A Mermaid's Tale. I really loved the background pictures that you chose for your project as they matched your project topic, all while really presenting a calming aesthetic to the site. Your introduction is a great length and I also love the picture that you chose to add to the top of the page as well. I am a strong believer of making the sites that we make cohesive, and so I appreciate how your site flows. In regards to your first story, I really loved how you changed up the original plot into a more modern point of view that included language that readers can easily understand. Since I have never read the original story of Brauhard's Mermaid, I loved that you had a nice explanation in the authors note. Keep up the good work, and I look forward to seeing your project in the future!
Hey Ashlyn, Excellent idea for a storybook! I really like how invested you are in the topic and I’m sure it will show in your work. I like how your introduction examines the role mermaids have played throughout history. I would definitely be interested in a deep look at how mermaids have been represented in different cultures, but also in how this representation may have changed over time. I like your formatting and overall layout as well. Your banner image and opening title create a nice setting of the scene from the start. One thing you might consider is placing your author’s note at the end of its story to keep the home page looking clean. Unless your plan is to put all of the author’s notes together. In this case, you may want to create a separate author’s note’s page, almost like a bibliography. Overall you seem to be headed in the right direction and I am excited to see where you will take this project!
Hey Ashlyn! I really like your idea for your storybook! I think the site is very easy to navigate and looks great. I also really enjoy the pictures you have chosen for your stories. They are so pretty and help to really create that "mermaid" feel. Your introduction was very well rounded and I think it does a really good job of explaining the mythology behind mermaids and the role they have played throughout history. Your first story was really fun to read. I like how timeless it felt and I think the dialogue was very easy to read and made the story so much more enjoyable. Can't wait to see what else you do with this storybook. Good job!
Hi Ashlyn, I really enjoy the layout of your storybook. I like that you include an Author's Note at the beginning of your storybook to help explain the story you are retelling and your goals for the story. In your introduction, I like that you immediately contrast the Disney version of a mermaid with the mythological versions of mermaids. In this introduction, you also do a great job of explaining why mermaid tales are so alluring to people of all ages. Your first story was well-written and entertaining! One thing I noticed in your story is that there are a lot of run-on sentences. It might help the flow of the story if you break apart a few of these sentences into shorter phrases. I like that you make the dialogue between Aaron and Onix immediately light-hearted and flirtatious. It made me sad that their whirlwind romance ended so abruptly. But at the same time, a life spent staring at the tile of a bathtub would be horribly boring for Onix. Overall, great job with your story and I look forward to reading more.
Hey Ashlyn! I really enjoyed your storybook! I loved the depth that your introduction went into explaining the history of how mermaids were depicted, I had never thought about the connection between them and sirens in mythology. I also agree that its a really enticing and interesting topic, especially to study. Your first story was a very cool story to read, I can't imagine the shock if you were on the beach and suddenly had a mermaid wash in front of you! What kind of things would have happened to Onix if she hadn't escaped back to the ocean? Would she have simply been a lab rat that scientists poked and prodded, or would something else happen? I'd be curious about the resulting journey had she not been able to escape. Will Aaron remain friends with Ryan and everyone else who was there? I'd have to think they violated his trust pretty badly by barging in there. I can't wait to see what other stories you come up with!
I enjoyed your modern twist to the mermaid story. I have always been intrigued by the topic of mermaids. I appreciated the great detail you went into about the different stories about mermaids in your introduction. You did a good job talking about the Little Mermaid and relating that to the story. That is a great way to get the audience connected. I was not aware that in some stories mermaids are called sirens. That is interesting. In your first story, A Hidden Treasure when the mermaid said, "Go away! Don't look at me!" this reminded me of the Little Mermaid. I remember when Ariel cried that out. You also did a great job a creating a dialogue within the story. I was able to follow the dialogue easily. It is pretty funny how you had him not have his friends exploit her on social media. That is such a modern twist. Great job! I am looking forward to reading your next story
Hi, Ashlyn. I was back to read your first story, and it was impressive. Last time, i read your introduction, i thought that you would construct your project into several chapters of a story. Now, it is appeared more interesting than i thought. I like how you plotted the relation of the mermaids and the man, but I believe there are 2 small stories in the Hidden Treasure, that are the story of Aaron and Onix, and Luke and Auli'i. I wondered whether or not these two men had some relation with each others. The latter story, Luke and Auli'i appeared more thorny since Auli'i's decisive chose to left the family with a man to back to the ocean. Why she chose him at the beginning even though she already had another family? Why she decided to go back because the reappeared of the necklace? I am very much appealed to your story, Ashlyn.
Hey Ashlyn, I just finished reading A Mermaid's Tale and was amazed at how you were able to fit so much into a short story. I thought it was pretty intense how the Mermaid had a family with Luke and then ultimately leaves them to go back into the ocean. I think you did an awesome job making her leaving the family a conflicting issue for the reader because some could say that the character was selfish to leave her family behind and some could say that she had to leave in order for her to find true happiness. I wonder if you ever thought of having Auli'i explain to her children about her past as a mermaid? I feel you should include that into your story so that when she left them, they would have a better understanding as to why she did. Overall, I think you did an awesome job covering the original story and I hope you continue to write more awesome stories.
I really enjoyed your story about the Mermaid's Tale! You really know how to set a story. I felt as if I was already there. Although the story may not be what I am used to reading, I found it quite enjoyable. Your use of modern technology within the piece was also quite interesting to me because it kept the story relevant while also paying homage to its original influence. I feel like you could add to the telling of your story by varying your sentence structures. This would keep the reader engaged through the piece more easily without putting too much pressure on your plot. I do believe your plot points are strong enough to warrant such a reaction themselves though. Another thing I enjoyed about your story is that you carefully crafted a narrative in which the mermaid had unique cultural behaviors and patterns which were not completely symbiotic with human life. This gave an illusion to the reader that there in fact was a realistic element to this fantasy.
Hi Ashlyn! I came back to read your stories. Wow, they are really good! Much different than the usual mermaid stories. The "Mermaid to Wed" story had such a sad ending. I understand the way it turned out, but wow that was kinda mean of the mermaid to just abandon her family. The "Hidden Treasure" story is also cool. I like that you included social media postings in there because we all know that is exactly what would happen in a situation like that. I feel sad that he had to let go of his mermaid, but she couldn't have been very happy living in a bathtub either and after the postings, she was in danger anyway. Great job!!
Hey Ashlyn! I wanted to say that I really liked how you gave us some background information about mermaids. Not everybody knows that they are often called sirens and that they are not these sweat innocent creatures like Disney has portrayed them to be. I think by giving us the background and information about their negatives, you have set your stories up to be awesome and full of suspense! I also liked that you kind of left some room for the reader to wonder if these creatures are real or not but to keep in mind that the ocean is a vast place. I really like that you used conversation pieces in your writing. This is always a good way to introduce the character and put the story into their perspective by what they are thinking. Overall, I think your project looks awesome and I can't wait to come back and read more in the future! keep up the great work!
I saw mermaid and I had to click on your story book! It is such a great idea and you really did a great job bringing it to life. I loved how in detail your stories are. I read through them all and it was such a sad ending. I am a sucker for a happy ending (I have a cheesy Christmas Rom Com addiction) so I was sad that they did not end up together but I understand why they could not. I also hate that she left her children too. I understand that her husband basically kidnapped her by keeping her necklace but it is not her children’s fault. Even if she had a merman husband you think she would stay a little while longer after all this time to make sure her children were okay and grown. I hope that you add one last post to tie it altogether in an ending.
Hey Ashlyn! First of all, I love that your banner image fits the theme for you storybook so well. Mermaids are a personal favorite of mine, so great job on that too :). Your introduction was very well written, and the suspense in the last line is great. Your first story felt a bit... rushed, but I understand having to stay under the word count limit. I thought it was funny that even people who live in Hawaii would take a vacation to Hawaii. The modern spin was a great concept. It would be interesting to see how Aaron explained to the media about the picture. Would he wake the next morning to find his house surrounded by the press? Although, with the internet these days, anything could be written off as a hoax. A quick note about your homepage: when I clicked on the link to your comment wall, I got an error message saying I didn't have permission to view the page. I have no idea what might be causing this, but you may want to look into it.
Hey Ashlyn! Once again I am back because I cannot stay away from the mermaid tales - they are so fun! I loved the way the pictures fit in so well with the stories that are going on. This time I decided to read A Nightmare, but a Daydream. Merrows almost remind me of Sirens! Maybe that is the same thing but a different name? I was so sad that it wasn't a happy ending and that neither one of them were seen again. I love a happy ending, I want my life to play out like a hallmark movie. The fact that it was so sad made my heart cry a tiny bit. What if they had people to go back too! Overall, I really liked the story and thought that it was well written. it was short and sweet, something I can never do right. Great job this semester - you should be proud!
Hi Ashlyn! I just finished reading through your project and wanted to tell you I really enjoyed the theme. Do all of the stories take place in Hawai'i? I liked that you used the setting rather than the characters to tie everything together. In the first story, I was a bit confused by the friends' reaction, but after reading your author's note, it made a good deal more sense. I appreciated that you didn't kill her. She hadn't done anything to deserve death. In the second story, I liked how you filled out the characters. Helping the readers to relate makes the mermaid's being kept from the sea and the husband's loss of his wife all the more painful. In the last tale, I liked that you stuck to the more vicious theme of mermaids and made sure that was also represented in your storybook. It had ideas that resembled a more classic fairytale, like the three wishes, the promise, and the consequence. It was quite interesting to read. Great job tying all of these stories together and making them feel like a cohesive final project!
Ashlyn, I really love this idea for a Storybook! I'll pass along two suggestions I was given on my own Storybook that were really helpful for me. First, a link directly in your storybook to this Comment Wall page is a lot of help in getting more comments. It's super easy to do in another text box. Second, your introduction is really great, but it would be even better if you broke it down into smaller paragraphs. It would be much easier to read that way. I know at first, I did mine exactly the same, thinking of the introduction paragraph to a story, but after getting suggestions & breaking it up, it really does help. I love that you're going to cover the darker side of mermaids. I love Disney's "The Little Mermaid" and that is what I'll always think of when I think of mermaids, but you see the darker side of them in one of the last "Pirates of the Caribbean" movies. It plays out just exactly like the darker scene you set up. It might also be helpful if you give us an idea of exactly which mermaid stories we are going to be reading about. I truly love your project idea & can't wait to read how it plays out! Great job!!
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlyn. It is such a wonderful life being around those folktales, specially a mermaid-tale. The idea to expose both sides of the mermaid: the angel and the evil is great. However, there are some suggestion as i read through your project.
ReplyDeleteFirst, the comment wall that link directly to your blog is not worked for me. It said that i don't have access to view the page. So i have to go directly to your blog to leave this comment. It is great if you emphasises or at least makes the font size bigger so the Comment Wall Link can easy be seen.
Second, although you introduction is great showing your idea of the whole project, it looks like an essay introducing a mermaid rather than the introduction of a story. You can just introduce a mermaid as your character of the story.
Anyway, i am looking forward to see the development of your story.
Hi Ashlyn! I have heard of mermaids being more evil and deceiving in older tales! I am excited to read your stories because I have never looked into the details of why the versions of modern mermaids are almost opposite how mermaids were portrayed earlier on. When I think of the intermediate between these two characters, I imagine the mermaids from Peter Pan! They were beautiful, but they were also really mean to some of the people in the story. Do you think some of your mermaid tales with have a scary aura? Do you think you will mix some of the more familiar ideas of mermaids with the unfamiliar ones? Will the characters be the same throughout your project, or will each story include new characters? I think you could strengthen your introduction by adding specific stories that include the types of mermaids you are referring to, like the sirens! I cannot wait to see where you go with your project!
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlyn, I really like that you are doing a bunch of research about mermaids - I know pretty little except for what Ive seen on tv. I did read about the real story behind Ariel - a much more tragic and IMO more interesting story. You mention the show H2O and I wonder if you have seen the show Siren that recently aired its first season. There is some pretty interesting articles out there about what mermaids would look like in real life - most of them say they wouldn't have hair and would be pretty terrifying! Especially as you pointed out, if they existed it would have to be in parts of the ocean not explored - which, the deepest parts we have explored have some pretty funky looking creatures. I know you are going to tell stories about mermaids, but is there a specific theme you will be using? Or are you going to explore maybe three or four key myths/stereotypes like nice vs evil vs something you created? I am excited to see how your project turns out!
ReplyDeleteYou're introduction got me very intrigued! I've already read some of the older stories about darker mermaids but I'm excited to go more in-depth! I wasn't sure if you were planning on making this more of a documentary-style storybook. That's what your introduction made it seem like. If not, I would suggest giving your introduction either from the perspective of a character or revolving the details of it around one. If you were shooting for the documentary-style, then I think your introduction is perfect. Good luck with the rest of your project!
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlyn, I just want to start off by saying that I’m so excited to read your storybook throughout the semester. I am also very intrigued by mermaids and the stories that surround them.
ReplyDeleteI liked that you addressed the fact that most mermaid stories are a lot nicer today than they were back in the past. However, I was left wondering if your stories are going to focus more on the nice stories or the darker mythology of mermaids? Maybe you could introduce the mythology and stories that you will be covering in this storybook?
It is so true that children have dreams about being a mermaid! I remember my friends and I having competitions to see who could swim the farthest as a mermaid. Are some of the stories you will be exploring about this?
I can’t wait to read your first story and learn more about the first mythical creature that interested me!
Hello Ashlyn,
ReplyDeleteI love that you are doing your storybook on mermaids. It is a very interesting topic, and I agree with you that mermaids are misrepresented. "The Little Mermaid" was one of my favorite movies as a kid, but I am generally fascinated with the sea and all of the creatures.
Something that I felt confused about was what kind of story you will be telling. Will it be one main character that we follow throughout multiple stories? One suggestion that you could do is to introduce your characters and the plot line a little.
However, I think you did a fantastic job with pulling me into your story. It is straight to the point. I also like how you have structured your paragraphs. This is very helpful for me because I tend to get lost in paragraphs, but your page is easy on the eyes. Finally, I would like to point out that your ending to your introduction compels me to read the next story. It is kind of like watching a T.V. series and anxiously waiting for the next week so you can watch the new episode!
Hi Ashlyn! First i want to say that the pictures you used on your site are perfect for your stories and theme you are going to talk about! I like how you begin by discussing how mermaids are often misrepresented and you refer to old ideas about them. Mermaids in old mythology are much different than what people think. I was slightly confused on what exactly youre going to be talking about. Stories about different mermaids, or is there a specific character? Either way your introduction looks great and was well written and very informative. You do a great job of giving background information and keeping me intrigued all at the same time! Good luck with the rest of your story!
ReplyDeleteAshlyn, I just read Hidden Treasure and that was an amazing take on the original story! I feel like there was nothing that you story was missing that would take away from the development of the story, but if you wanted to add anything, I think it would be interesting to see why Onix decided to leave the ocean with Aaron. Giving a backstory which could maybe include the fact that she wanted to see the world outside the ocean or that there was something about Aaron that was worth living in his bathtub for could help the audience see why she left the ocean and then we could also see why she was disappointed that she even left the life that she has always lived. Another idea I have for a slightly altered ending would be that Aaron visited her again at the same place that they met at another time later!
ReplyDeleteHey Ashlyn! I was immediately drawn to your story because I love the idea of mermaids. I almost wrote about them for my storybook, but I’m glad you chose them because I really want to learn more about the history and origin stories. Your introduction is a lot of general information about mermaids that sort of encompasses all the different perceptions of mermaids. I wish you would dive into about what your specific stories will be about so I know which direction you are going in. I like how you took a pretty well known trope about a mermaid in a bathtub, and made it slightly more modern. Social media completely changes stories about mythological creatures because they can be discovered so easily and I’m glad you showed that. I feel like the end escalates pretty quickly and you could really draw out that final moment where they say goodbye.
ReplyDeleteHey Ashlyn!
ReplyDeleteI really thought the idea of mermaids was fun! I almost did this myself. I love how your website looks and the colors you are using. I think it is fitting and very pretty. I read your story and I really liked it. Have you thought about putting more description about the mermaid and the surrounding island? It sounds beautiful and I would like to visualize more as I do read. Maybe a back story on the mermaid too - I want to know how she got stuck. Was her family missing her? I think there is so much to add to an already great story!
I hope to read more from you - I get to live through your stories since I didn't get to write about mermaids on my own.
Hey Ashlyn. I just read your story about the mermaid and loved how you had made the story set in modern time. It started off very small when Aaron turned off his phone to connect with himself and forget about his life for a little bit. Whenever I think of mermaid's I always think of A Little Mermaid and to hear a different story about another mermaid was very refreshing. It's nice how the two of them fell in love basically in a span of a couple hours because it showed how much they connected. The mermaid was a little bit worried because she didn't want to stay in the bathtub all her life so Aaron's friends finding her might not have been such a bad thing. I like the way you used visualization in the beginning to show us how amazing the place was where Aaron was relaxing at. It felt like I was there with him.
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlyn, I enjoyed reading your story! I think you did a great job of incorporating a modern aspect into this story. I think your story is well written and easy to follow. It also keeps your attention because you want to know what is going to happen next. I like how you included a third person narrator but you also quoted the characters. This creates a cool, whole-picture dynamic. I wonder if providing more detail of their time together at Aaron’s house would be helpful? This could potentially provide an opportunity to add more details and depth to your story. I did find one spelling error. In the following sentence, you forgot to include a space between “no” and “one”. Here is the sentence: Did a dolphin just wash up on the shore?" he asked to noone. Overall, I think you did a great job! The picture you chose for this story is spot on.
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlyn, I love how your introduction invites many different tales about mermaids. I definitely feel like there is often more stories about nice mermaids than evil ones. Your story is very interesting also. I like how the mermaid has a little bit of sass. Will your next story be a continuation of this one or will it be a different story about mermaids? I would like to know if Aaron every saw her again or not. I also like how you incorporated social media into your story, it made it seem very moderate and accurate to what would actually happen in a real life situation. I would have liked to have seen more dialogue between the friends to see how the agreement actually came about. Other than that I think you did a great job on this story. Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteHey there Ashlyn! I am in Prof. Gibb's Indian Epics class, but this week we were allowed to look at your Myth and Folklore class projects to comment on. I chose yours because I loves the title of A Mermaid's Tale. I really loved the background pictures that you chose for your project as they matched your project topic, all while really presenting a calming aesthetic to the site. Your introduction is a great length and I also love the picture that you chose to add to the top of the page as well. I am a strong believer of making the sites that we make cohesive, and so I appreciate how your site flows. In regards to your first story, I really loved how you changed up the original plot into a more modern point of view that included language that readers can easily understand. Since I have never read the original story of Brauhard's Mermaid, I loved that you had a nice explanation in the authors note. Keep up the good work, and I look forward to seeing your project in the future!
ReplyDeleteHey Ashlyn, Excellent idea for a storybook! I really like how invested you are in the topic and I’m sure it will show in your work. I like how your introduction examines the role mermaids have played throughout history. I would definitely be interested in a deep look at how mermaids have been represented in different cultures, but also in how this representation may have changed over time. I like your formatting and overall layout as well. Your banner image and opening title create a nice setting of the scene from the start. One thing you might consider is placing your author’s note at the end of its story to keep the home page looking clean. Unless your plan is to put all of the author’s notes together. In this case, you may want to create a separate author’s note’s page, almost like a bibliography. Overall you seem to be headed in the right direction and I am excited to see where you will take this project!
ReplyDeleteHey Ashlyn! I really like your idea for your storybook! I think the site is very easy to navigate and looks great. I also really enjoy the pictures you have chosen for your stories. They are so pretty and help to really create that "mermaid" feel. Your introduction was very well rounded and I think it does a really good job of explaining the mythology behind mermaids and the role they have played throughout history. Your first story was really fun to read. I like how timeless it felt and I think the dialogue was very easy to read and made the story so much more enjoyable. Can't wait to see what else you do with this storybook. Good job!
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlyn, I really enjoy the layout of your storybook. I like that you include an Author's Note at the beginning of your storybook to help explain the story you are retelling and your goals for the story. In your introduction, I like that you immediately contrast the Disney version of a mermaid with the mythological versions of mermaids. In this introduction, you also do a great job of explaining why mermaid tales are so alluring to people of all ages. Your first story was well-written and entertaining! One thing I noticed in your story is that there are a lot of run-on sentences. It might help the flow of the story if you break apart a few of these sentences into shorter phrases. I like that you make the dialogue between Aaron and Onix immediately light-hearted and flirtatious. It made me sad that their whirlwind romance ended so abruptly. But at the same time, a life spent staring at the tile of a bathtub would be horribly boring for Onix. Overall, great job with your story and I look forward to reading more.
ReplyDeleteHey Ashlyn! I really enjoyed your storybook! I loved the depth that your introduction went into explaining the history of how mermaids were depicted, I had never thought about the connection between them and sirens in mythology. I also agree that its a really enticing and interesting topic, especially to study. Your first story was a very cool story to read, I can't imagine the shock if you were on the beach and suddenly had a mermaid wash in front of you! What kind of things would have happened to Onix if she hadn't escaped back to the ocean? Would she have simply been a lab rat that scientists poked and prodded, or would something else happen? I'd be curious about the resulting journey had she not been able to escape. Will Aaron remain friends with Ryan and everyone else who was there? I'd have to think they violated his trust pretty badly by barging in there. I can't wait to see what other stories you come up with!
ReplyDeleteHello Ashlyn,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your modern twist to the mermaid story. I have always been intrigued by the topic of mermaids. I appreciated the great detail you went into about the different stories about mermaids in your introduction. You did a good job talking about the Little Mermaid and relating that to the story. That is a great way to get the audience connected. I was not aware that in some stories mermaids are called sirens. That is interesting. In your first story, A Hidden Treasure when the mermaid said, "Go away! Don't look at me!" this reminded me of the Little Mermaid. I remember when Ariel cried that out. You also did a great job a creating a dialogue within the story. I was able to follow the dialogue easily. It is pretty funny how you had him not have his friends exploit her on social media. That is such a modern twist. Great job! I am looking forward to reading your next story
Hi, Ashlyn. I was back to read your first story, and it was impressive. Last time, i read your introduction, i thought that you would construct your project into several chapters of a story. Now, it is appeared more interesting than i thought. I like how you plotted the relation of the mermaids and the man, but I believe there are 2 small stories in the Hidden Treasure, that are the story of Aaron and Onix, and Luke and Auli'i. I wondered whether or not these two men had some relation with each others. The latter story, Luke and Auli'i appeared more thorny since Auli'i's decisive chose to left the family with a man to back to the ocean. Why she chose him at the beginning even though she already had another family? Why she decided to go back because the reappeared of the necklace?
ReplyDeleteI am very much appealed to your story, Ashlyn.
Hey Ashlyn, I just finished reading A Mermaid's Tale and was amazed at how you were able to fit so much into a short story. I thought it was pretty intense how the Mermaid had a family with Luke and then ultimately leaves them to go back into the ocean. I think you did an awesome job making her leaving the family a conflicting issue for the reader because some could say that the character was selfish to leave her family behind and some could say that she had to leave in order for her to find true happiness. I wonder if you ever thought of having Auli'i explain to her children about her past as a mermaid? I feel you should include that into your story so that when she left them, they would have a better understanding as to why she did. Overall, I think you did an awesome job covering the original story and I hope you continue to write more awesome stories.
ReplyDeleteHey Ashlyn,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story about the Mermaid's Tale! You really know how to set a story. I felt as if I was already there. Although the story may not be what I am used to reading, I found it quite enjoyable. Your use of modern technology within the piece was also quite interesting to me because it kept the story relevant while also paying homage to its original influence. I feel like you could add to the telling of your story by varying your sentence structures. This would keep the reader engaged through the piece more easily without putting too much pressure on your plot. I do believe your plot points are strong enough to warrant such a reaction themselves though. Another thing I enjoyed about your story is that you carefully crafted a narrative in which the mermaid had unique cultural behaviors and patterns which were not completely symbiotic with human life. This gave an illusion to the reader that there in fact was a realistic element to this fantasy.
Hi Ashlyn! I came back to read your stories. Wow, they are really good! Much different than the usual mermaid stories. The "Mermaid to Wed" story had such a sad ending. I understand the way it turned out, but wow that was kinda mean of the mermaid to just abandon her family. The "Hidden Treasure" story is also cool. I like that you included social media postings in there because we all know that is exactly what would happen in a situation like that. I feel sad that he had to let go of his mermaid, but she couldn't have been very happy living in a bathtub either and after the postings, she was in danger anyway. Great job!!
ReplyDeleteHey Ashlyn!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to say that I really liked how you gave us some background information about mermaids. Not everybody knows that they are often called sirens and that they are not these sweat innocent creatures like Disney has portrayed them to be. I think by giving us the background and information about their negatives, you have set your stories up to be awesome and full of suspense! I also liked that you kind of left some room for the reader to wonder if these creatures are real or not but to keep in mind that the ocean is a vast place.
I really like that you used conversation pieces in your writing. This is always a good way to introduce the character and put the story into their perspective by what they are thinking.
Overall, I think your project looks awesome and I can't wait to come back and read more in the future! keep up the great work!
Hi Ashlyn!
ReplyDeleteI saw mermaid and I had to click on your story book! It is such a great idea and you really did a great job bringing it to life. I loved how in detail your stories are. I read through them all and it was such a sad ending. I am a sucker for a happy ending (I have a cheesy Christmas Rom Com addiction) so I was sad that they did not end up together but I understand why they could not. I also hate that she left her children too. I understand that her husband basically kidnapped her by keeping her necklace but it is not her children’s fault. Even if she had a merman husband you think she would stay a little while longer after all this time to make sure her children were okay and grown. I hope that you add one last post to tie it altogether in an ending.
Hey Ashlyn! First of all, I love that your banner image fits the theme for you storybook so well. Mermaids are a personal favorite of mine, so great job on that too :). Your introduction was very well written, and the suspense in the last line is great. Your first story felt a bit... rushed, but I understand having to stay under the word count limit. I thought it was funny that even people who live in Hawaii would take a vacation to Hawaii. The modern spin was a great concept. It would be interesting to see how Aaron explained to the media about the picture. Would he wake the next morning to find his house surrounded by the press? Although, with the internet these days, anything could be written off as a hoax. A quick note about your homepage: when I clicked on the link to your comment wall, I got an error message saying I didn't have permission to view the page. I have no idea what might be causing this, but you may want to look into it.
ReplyDeleteHey Ashlyn! Once again I am back because I cannot stay away from the mermaid tales - they are so fun! I loved the way the pictures fit in so well with the stories that are going on. This time I decided to read A Nightmare, but a Daydream. Merrows almost remind me of Sirens! Maybe that is the same thing but a different name? I was so sad that it wasn't a happy ending and that neither one of them were seen again. I love a happy ending, I want my life to play out like a hallmark movie. The fact that it was so sad made my heart cry a tiny bit. What if they had people to go back too! Overall, I really liked the story and thought that it was well written. it was short and sweet, something I can never do right. Great job this semester - you should be proud!
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlyn! I just finished reading through your project and wanted to tell you I really enjoyed the theme. Do all of the stories take place in Hawai'i? I liked that you used the setting rather than the characters to tie everything together. In the first story, I was a bit confused by the friends' reaction, but after reading your author's note, it made a good deal more sense. I appreciated that you didn't kill her. She hadn't done anything to deserve death. In the second story, I liked how you filled out the characters. Helping the readers to relate makes the mermaid's being kept from the sea and the husband's loss of his wife all the more painful. In the last tale, I liked that you stuck to the more vicious theme of mermaids and made sure that was also represented in your storybook. It had ideas that resembled a more classic fairytale, like the three wishes, the promise, and the consequence. It was quite interesting to read. Great job tying all of these stories together and making them feel like a cohesive final project!
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